One thing I shifted that helped my self-esteem and confidence.

Self-esteem and confidence are two things that we all seem to be running after and wondering what is the secret sauce to have them... well sometimes the way to find out is not as straight forward as expected but it is definitely a journey worth taking. Today, I want to reflect on one big shift that I took without really realising up until now and that have had a profound effect on my relationships with others and with myself. That big shift helped my self-esteem and confidence which then had a ripple affect on the other aspects of my life.

Picture from Pexels by Karolina Grabowska

In my childhood I have always been praised for the good marks at school and for being a calm and obedient kid. Most of the time I had the answers to the questions the teachers were asking, I would not always raise my hand but if I was asked I would answer correctly. The positive reinforcement I was getting for always being right constructed a "must" for the future: "I must always know"; "I must always have the answer, otherwise I am useless". That is the "neural pathway shortcut" that my brain took from compiling those experiences. When things got a little bit tougher at school and I realised that I was not good at everything and I would not have the answers every single time my self-esteem flopped. From that time my "neural pathway shortcut" would hang on to the past and just beat myself up for not being good enough at chemistry or maths, it would not even take into account the other things I was still "good" at.

My self-esteem got a big part of its foundation constructed on academic rewards or disappointments. This way of thinking and feeling followed me in my relationships and the way I was interacting with others as well as with myself. I would get annoyed if I could not share what I knew, if I could not correct someone or if I said something wrong. Without realising it I always wanted to be the best at what was said, what was shared and if I did not share anything interesting it would be a "fail" in my head. This was translating subtly, it is something that I know I was subconsciously functioning from but I never had it consciously brought out to the surface. I would be frustrated and feel a longing of not feeling good enough because I would not even let this play out completely, I would hide it but I would be feeling it. I knew it could be annoying always trying to have the right answer, thing to say... so I would keep it for myself but the need to do it would then still be there and it would be a vicious circle of not feeding what was meant to bring my self-esteem up. What made me shift and change is a breakup. A really painful and mutual separation. This reason has not been brought up but questioning myself and my part in the relationship made me realise how I was shooting myself in the foot by having my self-esteem based on having the right answers (that is not literally it but it is a shortcut to how I was broadly thinking). Without realising it would always be a competition in my head, who is doing things better, who knows this more etc. With a bit of work on myself, journaling, meditation and therapy I shifted things around and I realised that better than having all the answers... I could learn so much more and have a different and closer approach to relationships if I was willing to ask questions instead and learn from the other. I always loved asking questions, but I always felt like I needed to know the answers even before asking them. (what a weird thought) Since leaning into asking questions, not minding not knowing the answers, it opened up my vision, it made me softer, less tensed and helped me tap into my curiosity which was always here but has been obstructed by the need to be seen and know better.

Asking questions is not literally only asking questions but it is an approach. Approaching things with wonder, curiosity, and the feeling of being a beginner, or new to something, either it'd be a person, an activity, a way of doing things.

Sometimes the subtle shifts like that is all that is needed to improve our relationships with others and with ourselves. The realisation did not come easily and we have to be brave enough to shake a bit of that ego that has been built over time, to give a bit more space every day to our higher self :).