Creativity and pregnancy

Today I am writing a blog post that will be a little bit more personal. I want to talk about how pregnancy has affected my creativity.

Photographer: Holly Broomhall

Creativity is one of my core values and has been for a long time. Art, different way of doing things, thinking out of the box have always been guiding lights to who I was and how I was functioning.

When I would feel down or felt lack of inspiration or life, a day out at the museum or trying to paint, reading about other artist's inspirations etc. is what most of the time got me out of the funk.

Well... this has not worked since I have been pregnant.

It is like the relationship I have had till now with creativity has changed, and I think it is going to keep changing. Everything that I thought was making me who I was has been shaken.

I know a big part of it are hormonal changes, chemical changes in my brain etc. but ultimately I want to share how I have experienced all those changes (and it is onlyyyyy the beginning haha).

So, with being self-employed and having time to work "on my projects" when I am not filming, shooting or auditioning, I spend a fair amount of time at home or out and about trying to "give birth" to new ideas, painting series, coaching tools, scripts etc. My brain, my intuition are always in the works, almost, I'd say, on overdrive. Overdrive have been the default mode for the last few years. Feeling like I always have to be productive, to produce something interesting and creative. I think it came to a point where it was unhealthy as it would affect my self-esteem if I could not make something interesting and "give birth to it".

So, imagine when from the moment I found out I was pregnant I could feel like the center of what was giving me the juice for ideas, for creativity, just felt like it was not giving me anything.

I felt lost, I felt like I was useless now. (Yes... VERY dramatic, I know).

I wondered "Would it ever come back to how it was before?". "Where am I supposed to dig from?".

Even to the point of "Who am I?"

One of the paintings of my Inner lives series

It made me realise that I was defining myself ONLY by creativity, my job, my career, and what could pour out of me in terms of artistry, creativity, productivity. So I felt like an empty shell for a while... hormones hitting me like a truck, existential questions slapping me here and there. It wasn't easy. I am not saying it is all past me now... I think some of it will come back. But at least I have managed to take a bit of distance and have been able to reflect on this phase, so when the next one hits It will feel a bit more familiar (I hope ;) ).

This realisation served a purpose. What felt like a loss of identity became an actual opening of awareness to the other sides of myself. It is like I have been in a corridor with many doors and I would always go to the "Creativity/ Career" door and never dare to try the other doors... and now someone locked that one I used to go to all the time and I had no choice but to try the other "unknown doors", or stay in the corridor.

I can't really point my finger yet on the doors that I have been exploring till now, but they are definitely new sides of myself that I did not know before, and it is like allowing myself to go there helped me to unlock a new "creativity door". So now I have got all those open doors and I can choose where I want to go, I do not go by default or by comfort but with a more curious mind, a more explorative one. I do not let one door define me, I am more willing to try, to dare, to risk, to let myself not know myself, to be lost and to find me again.

I am writing and re-reading what I wrote and I really wonder if any of it make sense to someone reading this but... I hope so. The big learning from this is that I am accepting to be lost. I am accepting that being lost does not define me, it is just a step on the journey and sometimes being lost lead to the most magical places. Sometimes having the map and knowing exactly where we are, where we are going and the sole way to get where we want to be closes our eyes to things to discover on the way.

So if you are pregnant, and your creativity feels dry, remind yourself that your creativity is being shaken as a little human being is growing in your creativity center actually (if we want to go to the more spiritual side of things ;). The space that represent the self-serving ego (the center that helps self-identity/ definition), and the life energy is making space for an other human being and the altruistic focus that will be even more potent after birth is already manifesting. And we know that often artistry, creativity have big roots in who we are, what we experience, it is quite a "Me" focus experience that we channel to serve others... becoming a mother is shifting it all as the "Me" is learning to co-exist with a new human being, a human being that is sharing our DNA, cells, oxygen. So it is no surprise that it needs an adaptation time, and maybe a touch of wonder rather than fear :). You are being an actual creator right now, just in a different way, and it needs a lot of energy from every part of you physically, emotionally and mentally, so be gentle with yourself :).

You never know what this life changing event can spark in you, just give it time and do no try to function like you used to but re-invent how you used to "fish for ideas", and give yourself some slack! It is definitely the time to do it!

Let me know your thoughts, your experience in the comments :). What has changed the most in terms of identity during your pregnancy? Anything in particular that was surprising to you?