Mama, it is normal to cry.

I used to cry because I did not know if what I was doing with my life was the “right” thing to do, if I was doing what I was meant to. Now, I know I am doing what I was meant to: be a mum to Noah, nurture him, guide him, love him. I now cry because one day I feel on top of the world, giggling with my baby, enjoying every single second, and then the next day I feel overwhelmed, that feeling of not knowing what I am doing creeping into every single thought. I feel every emotion 1000%, I feel like my life is very full and that I do not have the time to think, I do not have time to have those “empty spaces” that I use to cherish so much. I feel like I am sometimes pouring from a cup filled to 1/4 and that fills up every time to 1/4 and that I pour out straight away from. Feeling like that phone you are charging just to get home at night and there is 2% left but it is the longest percentage of battery your phone stays alive on.

I feel like I have a map that has been washed off a few times by sea waves and there are only blurred lines left and I have got to draw the whole map again. My old “reference” points are gone, my old self is gone, I have go to dig and find out what is left of her and get to know the new self.

Ashlee Jenna Art

The other day my partner told me: “Take the day for you tomorrow, do what would make you happy, what would refill your cup”. And I froze, I did not know what would. And that made me cry even more. I did not want to “waste” this day by sleeping, I felt overwhelmed with choice, I did not know anymore what would be the “best” thing to do to make the most out of it.

After a night of (broken) sleep, I knew what I wanted to do, sleep 30 more minutes in the morning and then go get a gift for a friend’s birthday, go to a coffee shop, listen to music and write. To feel that “empty space” again, that feeling of not having to rush or to think what needs need to be met soon (feeding, changing, soothing, entertaining…). It was very simple, it wasn’t about the thing I would do but what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel space, and slowness.

So if you get a chance to have time for yourself and you feel overwhelmed by how to use that precious time “wisely”… think more about “How do I want to feel? What do I want to feel?” And then find the “activities”, places that would bring you the closest to that feeling.